Americans Are Lovely, Ain’t They?

2 Oct

So anyway, I made a video.

Click here for the Yahoo Travel article.

Disclaimer: Most Americans are alright. 

Find out about the book by visiting:

You can also ‘like’ Gatecrashing Europe on Facebook

American Love for Gatecrashing Europe

29 Sep

I think I’ve cracked America. They adore me over there. Absolutely love me. Can’t get enough! This morning Yahoo Travel published this article about my penniless journey around Europe, giving the American public their opportunity to express their love for me in the comments section. Their kind words were overwhelming! I’ve picked out a few examples of the hundreds of pieces of this fan mail to share with you here, and to make somebody’s day with a personal reply from their hero. Me. Who they love!


Bit harsh, that, mate. :(


No need for that, either, mate, to be honest. :(


Well, I hadn’t really given it much thought until your comment, but when you put it like that, it does sound kind of cool. I’m going to start introducing myself as that at parties to see how it goes down.

“Hi, you alright, how’s it going? Kris Mole International Bum, pleased to meet you.”


Well, I wouldn’t say I’m the “perfect” liberal, I’m not that cocky. But if you want to say it, who am I to argue? Perfect, eh? Nice. Thanks. I don’t give a shit about you, though, just my own liberal self. Sorry, man, just the way it is.


Meh, it was alright.

Who doesn’t love a “not!” joke, too, right? Am I right?


A gentleman never tells.


Prove it.


You make a very good point, Mansa. I agree with you 100 per cent. Would I have hitchhiked through certain Eastern European countries, alone, without money, if I had been black, for example? Probably not. I honestly don’t think that I would feel as safe. And that is a terrible shame.

Also, would I have made the same journey had I had the responsibility of a family? Nope.

Not everyone, though, was in agreement with Mansa.


Good point!

Wait. What?


So maybe I am an Arab.


Are they, though? Are they really doing the same thing? Seriously? Or are they desperately seeking safety, fleeing the hell of war in their home countries; wars created by the foreign policies of the US and her poodles?


No, Ken.

Jesus, the compassion shown by people amazes me sometimes!



I see what you did there, Blazing Machine Gun. Clever! You are a wit!


Actually I’d make a pretty bad Muslim. I eat bacon. and I don’t believe in God. I don’t think I’m the type of guy they want in their gang.


Went there on the journey. Berlin, Hamburg and Dresden. They liked my kind. I like theirs, too.


I like your live and let live attitude. “So you’re a bum! So what?” It’s refreshing.


Let’s hope those Migrant bums don’t read Yahoo Travel. Or we’ll all be FAQT!


I wondered how long I could go before someone addressed the big white elephant in the room and mentioned me not being circumcised. If I had a quid for every time someone’s thrown up that slur over the years!

You know who is circumcised? All them bloody refugees your mates have just been bitching about!


I didn’t vote for Obama. As a British citizen, I wasn’t afforded the right. I’m tempted to call you an idiot, but it’s not in my nature to resort to name-calling. Instead, Jim Bob, let’s hear what The Sports Guy thinks of your analysis.


“While this guy is a bum…..”

Hey! I’m sitting right here! Jesus!


Now you’re just playing.


Would you make that same joke about a woman, Nicholas? Are you the king of rape jokes? You sound cool.


From all the times my bum was raped, you mean? Bit graphic, mate.


Nothing I can’t handle.


Ouch. Seriously, mate. Ouch. Low blow. Not cool, dude, not cool.

And besides, he was drunk when he said that. He didn’t mean it! How do you even know about that, by the way?


….Sweet loving. And I had a load of it to trade.


Rick, I find your tone menacing. Sounds a bit threaty. I don’t think I’ll be trying any trips like that in the States. But then again, I might do it just to call your bluff.


That’s not what Rick told me. Rick said I might die if I come there.


They sound like fun girls.


Is there such a thing as a mediocre handjob?

Sorry, I’ll get my coat.


Nope. It was a Lithuanian van driver.


How many fucking levels of wrong is it possible for a comment to be?!?!?! Jeeeesus.

To find out what all the fuss is about, get your own copy of Gatecrashing Europe by clicking here, and then go online and abuse me. It’s all good fun. And get involved in Gatecrashing Europe Gatecrashing the World. 

Worst. Photo. Ever.

6 Aug

WEBPAGE_20150806_111756-2That was me. A few years ago. And that was also the worst photo ever taken of me. Probably. But fortunately I’m not vain. Well, I’m obviously a little vain, otherwise I wouldn’t be mentioning how bad I feel about that particular photo. But yea, not vain. Anyway….. finally, the book telling the story of that journey from start to finish has been published. It’s called Gatecrashing Europe – which is not the name I originally wanted. I went with the working title of Capital Punishment. But according to the publishers, that title conjures up negative images in a person’s mind. They know more than I do, so who was I to argue?

Screenshot_2015-07-14-19-23-12-2Gatecrashing Europe has sex. It has drugs. It has rock and…. Well, it has sex and drugs. There’s no rock and roll. Sorry if that’s what you’re looking for in a book. It also has emotion. Humanity. People’s stories. And embarrassing situations. I think you might like it! Although I am often wrong.

In a week’s time I am going into the publishing house to sign pre-ordered copies of the book before they get sent out. So that is something that I can offer you guys. If you do fancy a copy of Gatecrashing Europe, order direct from the publishers by going through this link and then send me an email at or leave a comment at the end of this blog post, telling me your order number and who you would like the signing made out to, and then I will make sure that you receive a personalised copy. I can’t say fairer than that, can I?

Overall that trip around Europe made over £2000 for the charity Cancer Research UK. And now, in keeping with the cause of the project, 10 per cent of all royalties from the book will also go to that charity. So, if you order a copy, you will be supporting a decent charity, an independent British publishers, and a first-time writer. And let’s be honest, I need all the help I can get! Not just with this book, but in life in general. Especially being born with this face.

If you need any help deciding if this is a book for you or not, click here to read the first chapter in full. Free, obviously.

One more thing. I will be in Scarborough, Yorkshire, on Saturday 15th August, signing copies of Gatecrashing Europe in an independent bookshop called Wardle and Jones, on Bar Street, from 10am until 2pm. If you are in the area, please come and say hello and have a drink. I know nobody in Yorkshire!

Also, give the book’s page a ‘like’ on Facebook, please.


All Delusions Are Equal But Some Delusions Are More Equal Than Others

19 Jun

Transgender people. I had never really given their situation much thought until recently. Never been angered by the idea of them. Never championed them, either. Just never given the transgender community much thought.

I’m of the school of Live and Let Live. If a man has grown up feeling that he was born into the wrong body and wants a gender reassignment operation, and doctors and psychologists go along with that, then who am I to argue? Go for it! Be happy! It doesn’t interest me in the slightest. I don’t think about it. There are other things going on in the world and in my life more worthy of thinking time.

You know who does like thinking about the transgender community, though? Christians.

Since the Caitlyn Jenner story broke earlier this year, transgenderism has been brought to my attention by the media, both real and social. Everyone seems to have an opinion. The negative ones coming predominantly from people arguing from a religious standpoint.

One example of this was a friend of mine, an intelligent and well-educated person and a practising Catholic, posting an article on Facebook written by a guy who works as a professor of psychiatry, arguing that transgenderism is not a real condition but rather a delusion or even a desire for attention. It over simplifies, generalises and trivialises, over-emphasising rare examples that support his argument, and seeking to make the issue about sexual desires. Here are a few excerpts of the article:

“A rare issue of a few men—both homosexual and heterosexual men, including some who sought sex-change surgery because they were erotically aroused by the thought or image of themselves as women—has spread to include women as well as men. Even young boys and girls have begun to present themselves as the opposite sex.”

“I have not met or examined Jenner, but his behavior resembles that of some of the transgender males we have studied over the years. These men wanted to display themselves in sexy ways, wearing provocative female garb. More often than not, while claiming to be a woman in a man’s body, they declared themselves to be “lesbians” (attracted to other women).”

“The idea that one’s sex is fluid and a matter open to choice runs unquestioned through our culture and is reflected everywhere in the media, the theater, the classroom, and in many medical clinics. It has taken on cult-like features: its own special lingo, internet chat rooms providing slick answers to new recruits, and clubs for easy access to dresses and styles supporting the sex change. It is doing much damage to families, adolescents, and children and should be confronted as an opinion without biological foundation wherever it emerges.”

My Catholic friend was supporting the idea put forward by the article, with her own words, “Transgendered men do not become women, nor do transgendered women become men. All (including Bruce Jenner) become feminized men or masculinized women, counterfeits or impersonators of the sex with which they “identify.””

I admit that I am no expert on transgenderism, but what I do accept is that there are people in the world who know instinctively from before puberty that they were born into the wrong body, and these people are either forced to live a life of being untrue to themselves, or they can go through years of transitional therapy, culminating in surgery, to finally be allowed to live with the identity that they are sure is correct. Who am I to argue with that? Inside me I feel like a male, I have done all my life, and fortunately my outer body matches this, so I have not had to experience the feeling of being born into the wrong body. I can only imagine how dreadful this must be for the person. Nobody who hasn’t had to deal with being transgender can know what it is, me included. But I can empathise even if I can’t understand.

A lot of Christians seem unable to do the same, and this annoys me because the same Christians demand that their belief in an invisible God is respected, accepted and that they are allowed to practice their religion openly and without judgement from outside.

WEBPAGE_20150619_002646I wasn’t going to say any more than that I disagree. These kind of arguments can be time consuming, and I didn’t fancy getting into it.

But then after I read this reply, I changed my mind:


Continue reading

Jihadi John Chop Idol

22 May

On the left, a man on his knees, dignified in his silence, stares blankly into the desert that lies all around him, disconnected, resigned to his fate, something in his expression and demeanor akin to that of a schoolboy who’s been caught red-handed doing something naughty. His posture and emotionless face reminiscent of mine on each of the occasions as a kid that I found myself sat outside the head teacher’s office, stuck in a pile of metaphorical excrement, without an alibi and with witnesses’ words to incriminate me, knowing that my parents had already been called and that once the head had felt I’d been made to wait long enough, would call me in and tell me I’d been suspended from school again, before handing me over to my dad knowing full well that as soon we got home I was going to be subjected to what was referred to in my house as “a tanning.”

But as I sat there in the corridor, awaiting my judgement, I could have no complaints. If you get caught, you expect the consequences. No excitement, no anger, no resistance, just a Mona Lisa face of acceptance. Ohmmmm. Zen. A teenager working on a supermarket checkout. Beep. Beep. Beep. A man on his knees about to have his head cut off by a lunatic.

Continue reading


5 May

Do you remember Pavlos Maropoulos from school? Was in the same class as us all the way through middle school. I think you do, actually, because I seem to remember you seeing a girl for a while about ten years ago that you told me was Pavlos’ ex. I think. Wasn’t she the girl that used to live at the bottom of the hill next to the cemetery? It sticks out in my mind now for the fact that you told me at the time that she said Pavlos had beaten her up when they were together and that he was a loose cannon. I remember I believed it at the time, mostly because I hadn’t spoken to him since school but had seen him walking around the streets a few times and noted that he had looked angry and weird. He’d grown his hair long, was always dressed in black with angry slogans on his t-shirts, wore dog collars and spikes and stuff like that, and when he walked past you you could hear the tinny noise leakage emanating from the headphones that covered his ears, aggressive screamy metal music. And he had been lifting weights since we’d left school, had added a bit of bulk. He always looked like he might throw a brick through a glass bus shelter, just for the hell of it. So the idea that he would partake in a bit of domestic abuse was easy to buy into. Then again, though, at that age I used to pretty much believe anything I was told, so long as it was interesting. As I sit here now I’m not so sure that I believe the story. I’m not as prone to judge people on rumours as I once was. Especially considering how many tall tales used to get thrown around our neighbourhood. Anyway, the reason I ask if you remember him is that a couple of weeks ago he sent me a friend request on Facebook. Out of the blue. I hadn’t spoken to him in 15 years, not since we left school, and hadn’t thought of him in about ten years, not since you were seeing that girl.

Continue reading

Solitary Confinement

2 May

solitary confinement

Except I wasn’t concentrating on what he was saying because I was reading this article on the internet about a kid in New York who had been arrested on suspicion of stealing somebody’s rucksack, just 16 years old he was, and they stuck him in jail to await his trial, except his trial never came up, so he spent three years in this prison, three years! waiting for the opportunity to defend himself, his day in court, but it never came and in the end all charges were dropped as there wasn’t enough evidence to even prove he had committed the crime. So they just said sorry and opened his door. Like that kind of thing was alright. There’s no way they said sorry. And I couldn’t stop imagining that happening to me as a 16-year old. All the firsts I experienced between the ages of 16 and 19. First smoke, first pill, first sex, first job, first holiday without supervision. Exciting years; the world in front of you; free from school; young, able-bodied and full of energy, often misplaced, but full of energy all the same. A good time to be walking around the streets. This kid wasn’t afforded that luxury. But even worse, this kid’s time inside was horrific. He decided not to join any of the gangs that operated in the prison. Then one day a gang leader spat in this kid’s face in the canteen and this kid knew that if he didn’t stand up for himself then his face would be spat in every day, so he punched this gang bloke on the nose, bang, and within a couple of seconds this kid was having his head kicked in by like 50 gang members, and the wardens basically stood and watched. The attack went on for ages, this kid was beaten senseless.

The reason the story was being reported now was that CCTV footage of the incident had been released, showing the brutality of the attack, and this video accompanied the article I was reading, so I saw it. I’m not just going on hearsay. And after that day life in the prison wasn’t safe for that kid so the guards moved him to solitary confinement. And that’s where this kid spent three years for a crime that he was never convicted of. But the thing I found most interesting was that the person who had written the article seemed as outraged by the fact that this kid had had to endure solitary confinement as he or she was at the violence he’d been subjected to. I found this curious because to me solitary confinement seems like the perfect scenario to hope for if you ever get caught doing something naughty and have to go away for a bit. I always assumed everybody else was with me on this. This isn’t just something I think now. I have always had it in my mind. You remember how I was always in trouble when we were at school? Hardly a day went by that I wasn’t sat outside Miss Bleatley’s office on detention. Usually for fighting. Nah, it was for everything, come to think of it. Stuff that I had done and stuff that I hadn’t. How many times was I suspended from school! I felt like I couldn’t avoid trouble even if I tried, which on rare occasion I did, unsuccessfully. So my natural fear during those years was that authority would continue to pick on me after I left school, and that detention would be replaced by prison. It genuinely occurred to me. And so I had this plan ready. The first night of my stint behind bars I would do something fucked up, like do a shit on the dinner table, inside a Yorkshire pudding or something, and then vow to squeeze out a shit every time someone said the word sausage. Or cigarette. Or bird. Or another word. Some really messed up shit like that. Just to get stuck in solitary. Because the last thing I want to do in prison, just the same as on the outside world, is socialise with other humans. I wouldn’t want to know my fellow inmates, I wouldn’t even want to know what their faces looked like. I imagine the prison social club is an alright place to hang out if you’re like a natural criminal or something, they say that when you come out you’ve learnt from all the other criminals in there and you’ve honed your skills, ready to go back to your life and start doing naughty stuff again but only better than you did it before. But the thing is I’m just not a natural criminal. I don’t want to learn how to blow open a safe or nick a car without detection. I can’t drive. So I wouldn’t fancy it. I’m a disobedient little bastard, but not a criminal. Not a real one. I suppose this is obvious enough already for the fact that this prison story of mine is hypothetical. But what I planned to do in prison once I’d got myself sectioned off to solitary confinement was to spend all my time reading literature, teaching myself a foreign language or two, if they’d let me get the books from the library, and if not I would just meditate facing the wall. In peace. Not getting in any more trouble. Not having to talk to anyone. Not having to listen to anyone. I always thought that would be alright, actually. No one boring me. Just send the guard along twice a day to push my little bit of food through the flap in the door, I’d be sorted thank you very much. And I’d exercise a load, too. Push-ups round the clock. Healthy body, healthy mind. One thing my environment during adolescence taught me was that prison gave you muscles. Every single one of the kids from my year that did end up going down after we left school together went in there the same size as me and came out a couple of years later a gorilla. Seriously, arms like Popeye, every one of them. But this kid’s experience of solitary confinement didn’t play out like that. Another released CCTV tape showed the morning that one of the guards came to escort the kid to the shower. The guard had had a row with his wife or something before coming to work, had the right ‘ump, and so when he opened the door to the kid’s cell and the kid stepped outside, the guard just laid into him, slamming his head repeatedly against the floor. You don’t need that when you’re serving time without trial for a crime that you’re never going to be convicted of. All of a sudden solitary confinement didn’t seem like the paradise I had conjured it up to be in my mind. What’s the point of not having to worry about other prisoners if you still get kicked around by the guards? That’s even worse, cos you can’t really fight back. Well, you can, but you can’t win. I really felt bad for this kid, it moved me, made me angry and sad at the same time. And yea, I really couldn’t get out of my imagination that this could have happened to me. Only, it wouldn’t happen to me. Because I’m not black and I’m not in America, and what happened to that kid wouldn’t ever have happened to a white kid, of this I am positive. The system wouldn’t let it get that far. There would be press outrage for a start, and from the beginning, not just some article published more than three years after I was arrested. And that actually made me feel even sadder and even more angry. Anyway that kid’s out now.


The narrative above is fiction and just an excerpt from a longer story that I am currently working on. However, the story about the kid in America, sadly, is a true one.

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