How Shredded Wheat Was Invented

31 Oct

Once upon a time, these four words were uttered for the very first time in the history of mankind (and womankind, don’t worry feminists I’m on your side): “Never Eat Shredded Wheat.”

And a second man said to that first man, “My God, that’s brilliant! What a way for kids to remember the order of North East South West.”

And then a third person stuck his nose in and said, “I’m sorry but I’m afraid you can’t use that!”

And the first man said, “Why not?”

And the second man said, “Yea, why the hell not? It’s genius! This man right here is a fucking genius. Why can’t he use it? It pisses all over ‘Naughty Elephant Squirts Water!’ God damn it!”

And then the first man said, “I know why I can’t use it. It’s because this man is a trading standards officer, and he won’t let me use Shredded Wheat because it is a registered trademark. That’s why, isn’t it?”

And then the third man said, “No, it’s not that at all. It’s because we are in the year 1765, and Shredded Wheat hasn’t been invented yet. Your statement makes no sense.”

And then the first man said, “Right, get me some wheat. And a shredder.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Shredded Wheat was invented. I shit you not!

Okay, okay, I shit you.

Never. Eat. Shredded. Wheat.

Never. Eat. Shredded. Wheat.


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