Another Day at the Office

27 Sep

I reached over to the bedside table, turned off the alarm and rolled onto my back to stare up through the skylight.
I studied in detail the bottom of the seagull’s feet.
The seagull glanced at me, nonchalantly, nodded me a greeting, like he did every morning, and then went back to playing with his pebble.
I gave a thought to Paul Gascoigne.
“Do you ever wake up and feel like crying because you’ve woken up?” she asked, as she rolled onto her back to lie next to me.
I said, “No.”
And then I wondered what the most complex thought ever to cross a seagull’s mind might be.
“Do you?” I asked.
Of course I knew she was lying, just like she knew I was.
Only someone who had had that thought would ask that question.
“Stay here,” I said, and I walked out of the room and down the stairs.
I liked the feeling of being completely naked in my kitchen on a sunny morning.
Even the postman laughed with me as he came down the path, whistling to himself.
I returned to the bedroom with a plate of crumpets, topped with Marmite and melted cheese, and two cups of tea.
I was in a good mood,
So I put on her playlist instead of mine.
I shaved, shitted and showered,
And went to work.
At lunch time she phoned me.
“Have you been dipping into our bowl of Valiums?” she asked.
I said, “No.”
Then I watched Jason drink some of his tea, and I wondered how he could enjoy it without sugar.
“Have you?” I asked.
Of course I knew she was lying, just like she knew I was.
“Okay. I love you,” she said.
“Good. I love you.”
And then I wished that there had been a flavour other than ready salted left in the multi-pack when I’d packed my lunch that morning.
And I despised Sharon for having a poster on the wall above her desk that read, ‘You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.’


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